Couples Therapy Fundamentals
Signs You May Benefit From Couples Therapy
Written by Marisol Vandergrift, Health Writer, M.A.
Medically reviewed by Dr. Perpetua Lindgren, LMFT · Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) · June 2025
· Last reviewed June 2025 · 7 references · 6 min read
The clearest signs that couples therapy may help include having the same unresolved argument repeatedly, feeling emotionally distant from your partner, a significant breach of trust, or communicating primarily through conflict or silence. These patterns do not mean a relationship is beyond repair — but they do signal that private attempts to resolve them have not been enough, and that structured professional support is likely to help.
At a glance — key takeaways
- Recurring, unresolved conflict is one of the strongest indicators that therapy would help.
- Emotional disconnection — "roommate syndrome" — is as serious as active conflict.
- Contempt (eye-rolling, mockery, dismissiveness) is the single most damaging relationship pattern.
- You do not need to be in crisis — feeling "stuck" is sufficient reason to seek support.
- Infidelity, major life transitions, and loss of intimacy are all well-supported reasons for therapy.
Warning Signs in Communication
Communication problems are the most commonly cited reason couples seek therapy. Specific patterns to watch for:
- You have the same argument repeatedly without any resolution or real understanding.
- Conversations about difficult topics escalate quickly into shouting or complete shutdown.
- You or your partner avoid topics entirely to prevent conflict, but resentment builds.
- You feel you cannot say what you really think without triggering a defensive or angry reaction.
- Most of your interactions are logistical — schedules, chores, kids — with little genuine connection.
Warning Signs in Emotional Connection
A gradual loss of emotional closeness — sometimes called "roommate syndrome" — can be as damaging as active conflict. Signs include:
- You feel lonely within the relationship, even when your partner is physically present.
- You no longer share your inner life — worries, dreams, small daily moments — with your partner.
- You feel more like co-managers of a household than partners who genuinely know each other.
- When something good or bad happens, your partner is no longer the first person you want to tell.
- You feel a persistent sense of being misunderstood or unknown by your partner.
Warning Signs Around Trust
Trust ruptures — whether through infidelity, repeated dishonesty, or broken commitments — are among the most painful relationship injuries, and among the situations where professional support is most clearly indicated:
- There has been a physical or emotional affair.
- Secrets have been kept about money, addictions, or significant life events.
- Promises have been broken repeatedly, eroding confidence in your partner's reliability.
- You find yourself checking your partner's phone, emails, or location regularly.
- You do not feel safe being honest with your partner about your needs or feelings.
Warning Signs Around Intimacy
Physical and emotional intimacy exist on a spectrum, and significant mismatch or decline in either is worth addressing:
- There has been little or no physical affection or sexual intimacy for an extended period.
- You and your partner have very different levels of desire, and the topic causes recurring tension.
- Intimacy feels obligatory, absent, or like another source of conflict rather than connection.
- You feel unseen or unattractive to your partner, or sense your partner feels this way.
Positive Reasons to Seek Therapy (Not Just Crisis Situations)
You do not need a crisis to benefit from couples therapy. Couples therapy is equally appropriate for:
| Reason | What Therapy Provides |
|---|---|
| Preparing for marriage | Identifies potential conflict areas; builds skills before problems develop |
| Navigating new parenthood | Helps partners adapt to changed roles and reduced couple time |
| Major relocation or career change | Supports adjustment to new circumstances and renegotiated roles |
| Recovering from individual trauma | Helps the non-traumatized partner understand and support effectively |
| Aging and retirement | Navigates increased time together and identity shifts |
| Feeling "stuck" without knowing why | Assessment helps identify the source of disconnection |
The Gottman Four Horsemen: High-Priority Warning Signs
Research by Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington identified four specific communication patterns — nicknamed the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" — that are so damaging they can predict relationship breakdown with high accuracy:
- Criticism — attacking your partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior ("You always do this — you're so selfish") rather than "I was hurt when you didn't call."
- Contempt — expressing superiority or disgust: eye-rolling, mocking, sneering, name-calling. Gottman's research identifies contempt as the single strongest predictor of relationship failure.
- Defensiveness — responding to a complaint with a counter-complaint or denial, preventing any real acknowledgment of your partner's experience.
- Stonewalling — withdrawing emotionally or physically from conflict; going silent, leaving the room, or showing a blank face.
If you recognize these patterns in your relationship consistently, professional support is strongly advisable. The Gottman Method specifically targets these patterns and has strong research support for replacing them.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if things are bad enough to need therapy?
A useful benchmark: if you have tried to resolve a problem privately more than three or four times without lasting improvement, that is a sign you need external support. There is no "bad enough" threshold for therapy — couples at all levels of distress can benefit, and earlier help typically leads to better outcomes.
What if only I think we need therapy — but my partner disagrees?
You can attend individually with a couples-trained therapist, who can help you change your own patterns and potentially shift the dynamic enough that your partner becomes willing to join. Avoid framing therapy as something your partner needs to fix; focus on what you both want for the relationship.
Is it a bad sign that we never fight?
Conflict avoidance can be as problematic as frequent fighting. If topics are being avoided to keep the peace but resentment is quietly building, that is a meaningful pattern. Healthy relationships involve productive conflict — the ability to raise and work through disagreements without lasting damage.
Can therapy help even if we love each other?
Yes — and it is often more effective when both partners still feel genuine affection. Love is necessary but not sufficient for a healthy relationship; practical skills in communication and conflict resolution matter just as much. Many couples who love each other deeply still need help with the mechanics of relating well.
Should we try to solve things ourselves before going to therapy?
Attempting to resolve problems yourselves first is natural — and for many minor disagreements, self-resolution works. But if private attempts have not produced lasting change after six months to a year, the pattern itself is likely the problem, and a therapist is needed to interrupt it. Waiting longer typically makes the patterns more entrenched.
What if we've already tried therapy and it didn't work?
A previous unsuccessful therapy experience does not mean therapy cannot help. The most common reasons therapy fails include poor fit with the therapist, the therapist lacking specific couples training, one partner not being genuinely engaged, or unaddressed individual issues. A different therapist with specific couples expertise is worth trying.
Can therapy help when there has been domestic violence?
Couples therapy is not recommended as the primary intervention in relationships with domestic violence or coercive control. The format can inadvertently give an abusive partner a platform and may increase risk to the victim. Individual support for the person experiencing abuse — through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 — is the appropriate first step.
References
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital Processes Predictive of Later Dissolution: Behavior, Physiology, and Health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233.
- Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K., & Newton, T. L. (2001). Marriage and Health: His and Hers. Psychological Bulletin, 127(4), 472–503.
- Whisman, M. A., Dixon, A. E., & Johnson, B. (1997). Therapists' Perspectives of Couple Problems and Treatment Issues in Couple Therapy. Journal of Family Psychology, 11(3), 361–366.
- Gottman Institute. (2024). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. gottman.com.
- URL Slug: /couples-therapy/for-unmarried-couples/ | Target Words: 1,200 | Reviewer: Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC)
- Title Tag: Can Unmarried Couples Go to Couples Therapy?
- Meta Description: Unmarried couples can absolutely access couples therapy. Learn what to expect, how to find a therapist, and why relationship status doesn't matter.
DISCLAIMER: This article is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult a qualified health professional (such as your doctor or pharmacist) before making decisions about your health, medications, or treatment. If this is a medical emergency, call 911. For mental health crises, call or text 988.